Attaching ourselves to the outcome makes things more difficult. It is not good or bad.
Experience vs result. If you had to pick between experiencing these without ever knowing the result (like above). Or only knowing the result without having the experience, which would you choose? This can even be asked about watching the experience, like in a movie.
Most people I speak with seem to value the experience of it more.
We truly don’t know if the result (outcome) is even good or bad long term.
For example: A rejection for a raise could very well lead you to leaving that company for a better company where you end up learning unique skills that enables you to start an innovative startup.
Or an approach of a stranger could lead to a phone number, but then to a 5 year romantic relationship that ends horribly and you "wasted" 5 years.
These can switch back and forth to what we perceive as good or bad.
For instance, after that horrible 5 year relationship that person finds a soulmate in their ex’s coworker that they never would have met without that bad relationship which leads them to live happily ever after.
My point is a great outcome from an interaction doesn’t mean that it’s good long term and a bad outcome (getting rejected) may have saved you long term from a shitty situation.
Don’t worry too much about the outcome. That worry can enhance and put fuel on the fire on our natural anxiety, especially in those big moments. Then it becomes much more difficult to do in the first place.
I’m not saying to go to the extreme in always being wary about a good reaction and being relieved when something doesn’t move forward socially! But it could make socializing more easy if you can mitigate some of the emotions that are stopping you by using this outlook. Bad isn’t bad and good isn’t good, be open like a good scientist.
Social skills are learnable and you can get really good at them, as we have learned here at Jaunty, but the skills are there so you can enjoy and learn from the experience with other people. -Eric Waisman
By Eric Waisman
I live on a hill. You can tell who lives on a hill in San Francisco because they usually have strong legs, and I think we have some nice butts here in the city because of it. Every day I have the option to take a longer, less inclined route home or a steeper, shorter hill. I usually pick the longer, easier hill. This got me thinking about motivation.
The body and mind want to conserve energy and do what’s easier. The harder the physical obstacle the more energy we burn and our body lets us know that it would rather not be doing this.
The harder a math problem, the more our pupils dilate and our brains burn up energy. Our cells and microbes want all of our resources. They really don’t care about our ability to figure out an algorithm or sing and play guitar at the same time.This may be why it’s hard to feel motivated even when we wish we were. Motivational speaker Zig Ziglar said, “People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing — that's why we recommend it daily.” What if we can redefine motivation?
We often think of motivation in terms of what we feel like doing. Like that, “Yeah, I’m definitely in the mood to go to the gym,” feeling.
Well, I don’t know about you, but personally I’m not in the mood to workout well over 50 percent of the time. Exercising is hard. Sometimes it gets the better of me and I don’t go. And that’s even though I know I will usually feel great afterwards and that exercise is important for my long-term health.
We should stop depending on “feeling” like doing it. When you have a goal, don’t wait until you’re in the right mood to take action. The motivation should be the fact that you want to accomplish your goal. Basically your want is going to be way more consistent than your mood.
A lot of people come to Jaunty with the goal of wanting to meet new people. Awesome. Our free social intelligence workshop and six week course offer tons of practical tools for making genuine connections with people. But having that goal doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily feel like going out and saying hi to a fun stranger.
A lot of us feel social anxiety around approaching people we don’t know. (“What if they don’t want to talk to me?” “What if I don’t know what to say?”) At Jaunty we give our students homework to go out and practice the social intelligence skills they need to meet new people.
Everyone gets an accountability partner to help motivate them, even when they’re nervous. By focusing on the goal of meeting new people for friendship, romance, or work, we can push ourselves to take the first step and talk to someone even when it’s hard. And just like our legs get stronger the more hills we walk up, the more we flex our social intelligence skills, the easier it gets to connect with people. Let your “want” lead your motivation rather than your mood.